My Creative Struggle V

Thursday 20/04/17 | 1:35pm

Sup homes,
I am actually a nervous ball of energy in this moment. The only way I can describe it is that I’m excited and freaked out at the same time. Weird. Like, I feel like I can own the world but I’m scared to start. Let me give you some context.

Yesterday it dawned on me that I really haven’t been taking control of my financial future. A big motivation for me leaving university was reading “Rich Dad Poor Dad” by Robert Kiyosaki. It flipped my whole perspective on money and had such a profound effect on me that I knew I really didn’t need a degree to achieve what I wanted in life. I just needed myself and a good mindset.
Anyway, I was having some well earned lunch after writing a new verse, accomplishing a Top Rock dance move and just having a genuinely ‘inspired’ morning. I sat down and put on a Gary Vee vlog feat. Tony Robbins (I have a Tony Robbin’s book unread in my book shelf at this stage so I was curious). I quickly realised in the first 10 minutes of their 1/2 hr conversation that what I’d set out to do financially was not coming to fruition, it was frustrating. For example, I have read at least 2 books on the power of compounding interest and how valuable it is to get that to work as early on in your life as possible for the simple fact that IT WILL MAKE YOU A SHITLOAD OF MONEY FOR DOING PRACTICALLY NOTHING! And yet this extremely simple step, I hadn’t embarked on yet.

Books
These guys inspire me and drop knowledge: @tonyrobbins and @therealkiyosaki.

So in my nervousness the 1/2 block of airy cadbury chocolate in my pantry, just, “vanished”… into my stomach. Yep, I nervous ate, while watching the video intently. I understood and really enjoyed what they were sharing but at the same time realised I was shitting myself with nervousness cause I hadn’t acted on my knowledge. Not wise. That was on my mind enough that I went straight back into my room picked up ‘Retire Young, Retire Rich’ by Robert Kiyosaki and the Tony Robins book that I hadn’t yet started and read (left) for the next hour or so. I was determined. I was determined to change my mindset so that I could actually make a difference. This leads to today.

I’m not gonna lie it started out great but I’m REALLY a mess right now.

I get up at 4am, journal, reply to some messages and start writing a new verse. By 5:50am I’m out the door on the bike riding to @kevincollett‘s place to shoot hoops. He welcomes me, makes me a cuppa and we’re chatting for a solid 15 minutes before he says, weren’t we supposed to shoot hoops yesterday?
It clicked. I just walked into a mans house at 6am on a week day, technically uninvited to shoot hoops… I’m THAT neighbour kid. *face palm*. Lucky Kev’s the chillest guy out and we still went to shoot hoops and had a rad morning.

I came back home finished writing a verse, read, had lunch, took a nap and put another Gary Vee vid on.

Que nervous feelin’s (This just keeps happening)

selfie-290417.jpg
 My feelin’s – @professor_paul

I watched DailyVee 203 with Kyle iSPY. It was genuinely inspiring the talk that they were having about churning out songs. Write it, release and continue. Just to produce content with a slightly less focus on quality. That idea has been on my mind before, and I’ve wanted to achieve it so I certainly got excited. So much that I ran into my room busted open the new rhymes, played them to myself and was thinking I need to finish them ALL! NOW! (rabid rapper frothing at the mouth with rabies… that’s exactly what I looked like). And I noticed, I’m just throwing myself back into the pit of anxiety yet again! Expecting the world in one minute.

Dumb move, bro, chill.

I feel like @Garyvee keeps showing me that I’m in need of some serious re-alignment in my life. Not because I want to be @Garyvee, but because he hits home topics that I’m passionate about, and haven’t been working towards.
I truly thought before watching the video all was good, and then in 10 minutes I’ve lost the plot!

I may be wrong, but I believe this would turn most people off from watching @Garyvee videos if they experienced the emotional roller coaster I’ve taken the last three days. But to be honest, as shit, frustrating and unbelievably annoying it is to feel all shook up on the inside. He’s right. He’s so right. And thanks to him, I have realised what I want to work towards. It’s like jumping in a cold shower, right now I’m screaming!!! But give it some time and I will inevitably adjust.

Quick emotional update. After writing this blog in the peak of my frenzy, I’ve actually settled down, and believe I could make a rational decision. Genuinely I’m amazed. Because not only am I sharing my life with you right now but by vomiting my emotional intestines up I’ve seemed to work my way to some decent conclusions.

Re-evaluate what it is I’m trying to do with my life. Align myself accordingly. And watch more @Garyvee! That’s my direction.

What is it that you’re running from or too scared to face? Is it a serious conversation with your partner/boss, is it admitting that you want to take what you’re doing to the next level? Hit me up in the comments @professorpaulcrawls (Facebook) or on ‘Tooooomato’ (5o’s) (Snapchat) with your answers/stories.

I’ll never stop lovin’ you,
Professor Paul

 

My Creative Struggle – IV

Man, my ears are just poppin’ right now. By poppin’ I mean my head is feeling compressed, and it’s feeling compressed because I am officially on an aeroplane heading back the beautiful BNE.

FullSizeRender
Funny story: I was taking pictures of the isle and the air host came along and made me delete them… I shat my pants and I literally made him stand there for 30 seconds to delete 2 photos cause I was fumbling so much. Professor Paul, straight up terrorist/Bad ass. 

This morning I was in bed at 12:30am after having a few drinks at the bar of the Hostel and playing some Jenga with some swaggy Brazilian peeps. It was mad because the blocks were huge and the fall was rather spectacular. However, I was totally set on getting some sleep so I resided.

Before checking out of the Hostel I made use of the pancakes (cause I felt like free food) and ended up running into WHAM! @yvonnechow who I’d met on Friday night when I was gettin’ my boogie on to Hip-Hop tunes (as I tend to do, something just get’s inside my legs and I like to uncontrollably bust it). We chatted and I invited her along to hang with me at my fave cafe @littleroguemelbourne for a coffee and croissant. Dope spot, and I must say I owe it all to Cam from Kiki K (didn’t get her IG, sad face). Her suggestion to check out the blue door in Drewery Lane has seriously inspired my creative resurgence (If I ever run into Cam again, I’m going to hug her). Like I described earlier, the cafe is Star Wars and Hip-Hop influenced with banging coffee (my kinda jam). We headed there and spent the morning just chilling. It was real cool to meet someone from the UK and have a decent conversation, musical tastes were shared and before I knew it I was catching the tram to the airport.

FullSizeRender copy
“Hurry up with my damn croissant” 

One thing I noticed about this trip was how many foreign people I met. I know that I travelled to another Australian city but honestly coming back home I feel like I’ve been doused in European culture. I find myself referring to my shoes as daps, 7:30 as half seven and pronouncing Hostel as Hostil. I genuinely think I’m ready to be Stormzy. Where my polo sock?

In terms of my creativity, I still haven’t engaged in writing today, but I’m not stressing about it. I know that I’m dead keen to get into it and work on my tracks, however I don’t feel like I’m doing it for anyone other than me. I know that I’ve got to nurture myself back to good creative health, and I will admit I’m still a little tender. But I do believe that this experience has helped put me in a better situation than I was a week ago. I definitely owe that to meeting other creatives on this journey. The beauty of going to a place totally unknown and building friendships is so enriching, at least that’s how I’ve felt. Now when I think back to last Monday morning when I hesitated to jump on the plane because of the cost, I definitely think the $1000 was well spent. The fact that my creative self has been enriched to some degree is enough on it’s own.
Next time I think about jumping on a plane I’m going to take it more seriously.

I know that I’d love to travel/tour my music and go round the world with it, but also on a more personal level, travelling’s cool.

My journey has really only just begun, so stay tuned for my next update from Coorparoo, BNE via my social networks.

Peace and love to you,
Professor Paul

(I been getting some incredible responses lately, feel free to hit me up in the comments or a message on my @professorpaulcrawls Facebook page, would love to hear your stories)

My Creative Struggle – III

Howdy homes,

I’m back at it. I’m sitting down by the window of @metroburgers just outside Flinders Street Station. Conveniently located 20 metres from a @Doughnut_Time that’s neon sign is glaring in my glasses and tempting me hard while I’m typing this, so I may just out of the blue change direction in my writing. Don’t mind me I’ll snap back eventually.

Anyway, to catch you up on the last couple days I’ve been doing a fair amount here in Melbourne. As you know I’ve met my friends from Wales but the other afternoon I was finishing up some writing and wasn’t in a particularly good mood. However on my way home from the session I heard a busker I’d run into before who was just freestyling on the street with a cool chilled beat. Intrigued I sat and listened, and while I was there @_bigwords was just doing his thing pulling off a really cool Drake vibe with a caramel flavoured tone (as @_instagav put it!) and I couldn’t help but feel at peace just listening. It was almost comforting, seeing another creative bustin’ his nut for the love of Hip-Hop. It felt incredible. I would’ve been there for 15 minutes or so before WHAM! @puple_chief enters my life, takes a seat right next to me and as we shake hands, slowly we begin to converse with each other. This is about the point where I’ve totally forgotten about how frustrated I was with the writing session and got to really engaging in a great chat with a new buddy.

We chatted for a good while about music, diggin’ deeper he admitted that he is a producer (HELL YEAH!), and before I knew it I was walking around the city with him and his homies, all super into Hip-Hop and dedicated youngens like myself. WHAM @lordshvmmy yes lawd. This trip was really blowing my mind. So that ended up being rather rad in fact and over the next few hours we got into some really deep conversations about knowing your inner-self and how important it is to get to know your inner-self in a world where it isn’t a major priority.

This really set the tone for the rest of my trip I believe. Because focusing on my big goals made more and more sense, which made writing music slightly easier. Or at least when I was spending time doing it, I didn’t feel like it was a huge strain. Ultimately I love it.
Plus I found a cafe @littleroguemelbourne that just truly represents what I’m into. Rap and Star Wars… I could sleep and live off of their croissants and coffee my ENTIRE life. No problem.

Toilet Art
My mums favourite quote. Found it in the toilet @littleroguemelbourne


When they got cool ass Kanye and Jay Z portraits round the place and pop up Star Wars figurines and books in an aesthetically pleasing white and blue colour scheme it truly was a place I wanted to sit and make music in. So, tomorrow I’m going to sit down and spend the rest of my Melbourne time in there writing.

I’ve found that by focusing on my bigger goals, it’s made my anxiety subside which is what I said in the last post.
I truly wonder if it was that easy to overcome my feelings, but as the days keep rolling and I keep creating it seems to have done the trick. Truly I feel like I’m in a slightly better place now than what I was this time last week. I have no idea if the tracks I’m working on will amount to anything at all, but I’m just excited to be creating something. To be part of music. Not to mention I’m in Melbourne a truly kitsch place. I may live here one day even, but I feel this trip is just a taste of what I’m going to get when I visit New York or LA sometime. I’m excited to do it. I’m excited with everything to do with music. I just love. I love what I’m into. It’s hard sometimes, I’m still going to be blown off track, but experiences like these, meeting the people I have, I really want to remember it when I do get shaken up again.

FullSizeRender 2
Amid – “That’s a pidgeon, what the fuck is plus, equals pidgeon?” (Chillin’ with the new gang before Good Friday)


I’ll keep you posted with the journey from here. Creativity is similar to life, never ending and constantly breathing as long as we’re here to bring it to life.

Big or small I love you all.

Professor Paul

p.s. still would love to hear if you’re a creative person struggling, or just a normal person strugglin’ in life. Drop me a skinny or phat comment/email.

My Creative Struggle – II

Welcome homie,

to pick up where I left off, I am still in the glorious city of Melbourne. And I say glorious because my eyes have just been opened to a different kind of living. I love it. So my day began at 5am. I woke and lied in bed as my other hostel roommates were still sleeping. I honestly haven’t been around long enough to actually meet any of the people in my room. A pattern is definitely forming, come home late, get up early and do cool stuff.

Anyway, I decided to trek down to Fitzroy again by foot to journal and grab a coffee. I was up so early that the street of Fitzroy was bare by the time I got there at 6am. So, what else did I have to do? Check out some cool graffiti and sit on a park bench to journal in the cool brisk air that makes a man wish he never had nipples. While I sat there I pondered the events of yesterday, trying to dig further still into my situation of struggling with anxiety. Something truly interesting arose, but I believe I ought to take you back to the unexpected events of last night in order to give better context of my headspace at this point. (And cause well last night was hella fun and I wanna tell ya ’bout it).

Rewind the clock to 5pm Monday the 11th and I’m walking round the city trying to snap a couple cool shots for the blog site I’d just setup, when out of nowhere I meet three dudes from Wales taking shots in a graffiti alleyway. Turns out they came over a few weeks ago and as a team are trying to up their photo game. WHAM, now introducing @_instagav, @_dillinger and @pineapplejamm to my life. After chatting to @_instagav about the shoot they were doing I asked if I could tag along for more of their photo adventure. One thing lead to another and we ended up on a rooftop bar in Melbourne havin’ a pint. Well, the boys were havin’ a pint. I had a pot (yup, I’m that dude). Amongst checking out the views like a lil’ kid I started to get to know my newfound fresh accented friends. They were actually doing some pre-shooting before meeting up with a couple models to take more shots later that night and I was just thinkin’ “this night couldn’t get any cooler”. (literally though).

So we wandered off the roof and hit the streets, tagging along I soaked up being with other creatives as much as I could. These guys were blowing my mind. After the boys tested some locations we met up with WHAM @chelsea.turnerr and @casey.s.ramsey  which involved more walking, more snaps and cool chats. For those that don’t know, I’m a fan of chats. I genuinely enjoy getting to know what others do in this world. Because I live a very specific life sometimes it’s hard to recognise that everybody else lives theirs so differently to my own, I’m rather intrigued. There’s not much more I can say about the experience of last night except I really got lost in it all and by the time we went our different ways it was that time, to grab a treat from @doughnut_time and crash!

Talk about unexpected.

Jump back to me on the bench freezing my nips off in Fitzroy. I’m journalling, and after this cool experience I’m already feeling rather enriched by life, but still there’s a gloom of anxiety present. Although hanging with the new crew distracted me in a good way, it only temporarily solved my problem. So I began discussing with myself what the last few weeks have been like, and I realised that I had failed to pay attention to the big goals in my life. I was getting carried away with seeing what other people were achieving and not setting my sights on what I was planning to achieve. Even though I new I needed to write more music I was losing sight of the end goal, which is to release a full length project. I had pretty much stopped paying attention to my PERSONAL end goals and therefore have been kind of directionless. I don’t know about you but when I feel directionless I get nervous, and when that feeling stays around it grows into anxiety. So I believe this was a rather big find for me. It lead to a bit of digging in terms of what my big goals were and have totally inspired me to make those goals really clear again.

This was incredibly freeing, because without bias I realised what my own goals were and it helped me to channel my energies deeper, and doing this made that voice saying “you’re not doing enough” go away. Because I knew that what I was doing in the day was helping me to build towards those things. Still, I’m uneasy to a degree and it’s early days, but it was a huge step forward.

This all happened before I got an incredible coffee, breakfast and sat in the stunning library to write a new verse. Also treated myself to new Nike’s (admittedly this decision was rather rash… I have a mild weakness for sneaks).

img_2426.jpg
The perfect remedy for frozen nipples. Plus, check those nuts! Made me dream of what heaven would be like.

 

The day then consisted of meeting up with the boys in Brighton beach, going for a swim in my underwear, because I only brought three shirts and a pair of Jeans to Melbourne (+ plenty of underwear DW). More frozen nips but a good hang non-the less.

Melbs-13
Taken by @_instagav, his gram is literally mind blowing. Stoked that he created this photo of me.

I’ve now decided it’s time to leave Chuckle Park and head home for a sleep.

Who knows what tomorrow holds, I’ll keep ya posted on my progress.

Your homie,
Professor Paul

My Creative Struggle – I

Hi there,

For those of you who’ve never met me my name is Tom. I am currently 20 working part-time as a Barista in Brisbane, Australia and relentlessly making music in my free time. Well, at least I was.
I’ve come to a complicated crossroads in the last two weeks where I’ve questioned myself and felt the rise of anxious doubtful feelings inside of me. As a dude who get’s up at 4am religiously to work on my music projects and schedules a whole 6-8 hours of music into my day this has been a bit of a shock to my system. I’m freaking. Genuinely, I’ve been developing like crazy in these past few years and now that I’m starting to see some sort of progression I feel like I’ve been stunted. That’s fucking scary.
Confused is also a PG word to describe my situation.

A book that helped me really grab the balls of my life and drop university to pursue being a creative nearly 2 years ago now was ‘Relentless’ by Tim S. Grover. And to be honest, Michael Jordan has been a huge role model to me for the most part too. But right now, I’ve been really wondering what on earth is going on? Why do I feel this way? Why is it that I’m all of a sudden slowing up production on getting this next single underway?

I don’t know the answer to those questions, all I know is my past experiences and that if I ignore what’s going on I’ll be saying goodbye to the life I truly want to lead.

To get you up to speed yesterday I decided while at work that I’d make the most of my 6 days off and fly to Melbourne for the rest of the week. Knowing that making music of late has really been tricky and the feelings associated with it have been having a good crack at me, I decided it was time I gave myself an Artist Retreat. I’m a diligent saver and a big believer in investing money wisely, not mindlessly. To be real, I haven’t touched money set aside for investing because I was thinking of literal investing (stocks, financial plans, advice etc.) but realistically that money is to be invested in myself. And God damn I can’t afford to lose my creativity and the life that I want because I’m too damn stubborn to spend any coin just to keep my bank account looking savvy. Apparently it’s losing value anyway!! (That’s another story)

So I’m currently writing this in a small alleyway cafe at 2:40pm, it’s overcast and rather chilly, so yep, my hairs down and I got the thickest sweater I own on. Today I’ve consumed a Latte, an American Style Hot Chocolate, a Flate White, Bircher Museli a Simply Grill’d burger and about two bottles of water. I’ve basically walked around a lot, giving myself free rein. But it was interesting by the time I got to Fitzroy on foot from Melbourne CBD my brain was feeling anxious again. Making me feel inadequate for not creating, making me feel nervous for not creating. Like I’ve got some sort of outside pressure that I’m bound by. I DON’T! I can create whenever I want, I choose!

To give some context to why I’m feeling this way, of late I’ve been slowly involving myself more with the BNE rap scene, and have seen some crazy cool stuff going down. A couple Midas.Gold shows, Oaklands and keeping up with I AM D‘s weekly VLOG series. Not to mention had the privilege of meeting sweet people who are really smashing goals. As much as it is inspiring, I have it in the back of my mind that it’s crippled me slightly. It’s made me question myself, something I haven’t done for literally 2 years. And I just couldn’t help it.

Back to the feeling I got while walking in Fitzroy, I believe it was saying something like “you’ve got to keep creating, you have to, you can’t afford to stop because look at what everyone else around you is doing, how on earth are you supposed to get to that level?” Rather than just simply enjoying the walk I’m conflicted. It’s weird, because the voice is coming from inside of me but it don’t sound like me. It sounds like some other motherfucker with such a distinct tone I can’t block it’s unwanted input from entering my brain and effecting the way I act and think. Truthfully I understand that the only pressure you can handle as a person is the pressure you put on yourself. NOT the pressure that others put on you. Maybe I’ve forgotten to put my horse flaps on and focus purely on what I’m thinking on the inside because right now ‘I’m walking on a tight rope’ (luh you Illy), but I believe that’s because I’m listening to that outside pressure.

Moral of the story is, I’m confused, but deadset, I’m not going to let it cripple me. I know that even when I’m feeling this way music is a big love of mine. So I’ma let that come in an power me up.

I’m doing this blog post because I genuinely love writing, and want to work through my experience by writing. So stay tuned and I’d like to also say welcome. Welcome to the life of your homie Professor Paul.

Love you.