Saturday 19/08/17 | 11:54am
It’s been a while since I’ve written an entry for this series, but as I reflect on the week I’ve had, I think it’s extremely fitting that I continue and add to it.
I want to be all about the real talk so I’m going to take you back to last Sunday where I was enjoying an evening of music with my bro @ricky.saunders. We started making music together and jamming but I was in a totally blocked mindset where I just didn’t want to do anything, I didn’t want to do music I was just feeling rough and out. However, @ricky.saunders wasn’t letting me give up that easy and he helped me to get out of the rut and by the end of it we had penned something pretty cool.
I went to work the next day and started my first ever 5 day work week. This is a pretty big deal because of how much I despise the 9-5 culture, especially when you’re doing it and find yourself trapped.
Anyway, that day was just rough. I felt really bummed out. I had started to feel like I didn’t know what I was doing making music anymore and really doubting myself. I don’t know if this was because I was comparing myself to others or whether it’s because I’m working more but I just felt like I really wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want to make music for the fun of it I just wanted to give in. And so I let myself go a little bit this week. I made some decisions that don’t align with who I am or who I want to be as a person and I made the decisions more than once.
From there I really just dug deeper into that rut and it sucked.
However, I took myself to the park and journalled realising that I’ve been so self-centred for months and that I have been going crazy in my head.
One thing that helped get my head out of such a doubtful state was actually praying for the success of others. Speaking positivity into the lives of my friends around me. Taking me out of the equation for once. It actually felt incredible. But this wasn’t the only thing to turn me around.
It was Wednesday when things really started to take shape. I finished work earlier and decided to go back and listen to @logic301‘s 2nd mixtape ‘Young Sinatra’ while going for a run. And man, that felt so good. I actually just went for it. And the words he spoke felt so relatable, and it made me realise that all of these things in my life I actually want. I want the fame, I want the fortune, I want the really nice things. I want to live a life that’s larger than normal. That’s greater than the average. And he said it with a passion in this mixtape, but also related his life to how much he had to work at it, and how much he does work at it. I think I get so confused sometimes because even though I love the music it’s not always happy fun time when you’re working on it all the time. So, I guess, I came to terms with that, and I felt stronger because of it. I’m doing better in my head from listening to his works and I’m feeling better about myself for digging my teeth in and getting back into the work more than I have been. I feel like so much of my problem has been that I’m thinking a lot, a huge deal, and not spending enough time acting and bringing to fruition my life.
It was a low for me… So yeah, I’m grinding myself out of it and am so thankful for all of the people that are around me and in my life right now. Much love to you all.
And as I conclude, if you’ve struggled in a similar away I’d love it if you hit me up.
For me being open about this shit is one huge way I get through it.