14/06/17 | 8:07am
– NICOTINE FIEND –
In this blog I want to open up about the meaning behind my verse. Put it all on the table. It’s embarrassing and to others might seem stupid, but let’s go!
Ya’ll who don’t know me, I don’t smoke. So I’m not a Nicotine Fiend. However, earlier this year after I’d just split with my girlfriend, moved houses, changed jobs and released my second single ‘flo’ I started to slip. I didn’t slip into drugs or alcohol cause I’m not about that, but I slipped to something that I am about, food. To give you context, at this stage I was scheduling my life from the AM to the PM and put a lot of hours into my music. It required a fair amount of discipline and as I continued to try and balance these things I slowly started giving into comfort. Before I knew it food was one of the most prominent things on my mind, because it gave me a relief from the pressure. I let myself go a couple times and I distinctly remember eating a box of cookies, a bag of chips downing an energy drink and going through cheap coles tim tams like they were nothing in one sitting. That was my first crazy binge. And honestly, it was awful. From this moment it only got worse and I continued the behaviour. I started to reading ‘Brain Over Binge’ by Kathryn Hansen to try and change what I’d just dug myself into but even when I was really giving it a go, I would cave and wake up the next day not hungry. For about a week I didn’t know what hunger felt like anymore. It was actually scary. At this point I was fed up with how I was treating myself and my body, fed up that I wasn’t making a change. So I started to write. The first half of my verse is really a pent up frustration of the battle of overcoming my new found addiction to food. The second half came a little later on when I had gotten myself into a slightly better situation. It embodies my determination to overcome the addiction and not let it hold me down from smashing my dreams and goals. This has probably been the biggest emotional struggle for me this year.
I had people telling me left, right and centre that I shouldn’t worry about it, because it’s just food. You know, how can food be that bad for you. But I don’t think they understood the principle that ANYTHING can be addictive, and when you’re addicted to something it’s not a casual affair, it’s damn controlling! So no offence to those people but I didn’t listen to their advice, because eating habits once their learned will be carried on until you break them, and I knew that if I kept the habit of binge eating I would be the new Biggie. Much love to Biggie but that’s not how I see myself in the future in terms of size and weight. I happily see myself as becoming the rapper that he was, that dude is an OG bossman.
Even recently I have struggled to some degree with eating too much, however, I won’t tolerate binge eating now. I won’t tolerate eating bad foods regularly in my diet. I won’t tolerate relying on caffeine for long periods of time. I won’t tolerate it. Because if I do I will never beat my habits for the long term.
So, Nicotine Fiend is really Paul the Food Fiend.
My homie @searnbarness pipes in with his verse that gets me so G’d up. He really brings home the relentless attitude and paints a picture of what I want my life to look like. I’m inspired by his verse and in this process have learned a lot from him.
We actually go way back to Zephyr Street Acoustic club. I was 14 and he was 13 when we first met playing guitar in Hervey Bay. The guy oozes enthusiasm and has been truly a person I’ve enjoyed having in my inner circle. You are who you hang around, and I hope I have become a little more like Sean. He’s also predominantly 1/2 of SeaNic Sounds.
Anyway, this song is for you, if you struggle and feel like achieving something is impossible. This is us saying no matter what it is you can achieve it and it is worth it. For now and for the future.
I really love you for reading this, and if it relates to you please DM, comment, share, or like. I know I’m not the only one who goes through hard times and I love talking ’bout them, we all need to.
Life is uncomfortable, but we grow when we endure it so hang in there.
Feature photo shot by @becshoots